Lacking Cliches

If I were to follow the tide of friends and colleagues from every social media return, I should title today’s post “I’m Back” or “The Return from Sleepy Hallow.” Truth be told, I’m really quite excellent at dreaming big and not always following through when I get scared (welcome to my “I can’t pull the final trigger on my future” buzzer).

I could list 100s of reasons why I grew unabashedly silent during the majority of the last quarter. Reasons such as the dialogue which proceeded some posts left me both fearful, wounded and afraid (and yet a wee bit excited). Or that my life just got kind of busy.

Excuses mean nothing, though, and since I committed to processing my experience in returning to church, I can’t hide from my experience for fear of my peers’ responses. I am me. I have fears. And I refuse to be stifled by them.

The last 3 months leave me with a sundry more questions than answers regarding my return to an institutionalized church. It’s a key defining text I find crucial here. And to be perfectly honest, my (perhaps) naive expectation was that my suspicious response to church would change;  in fact, it has burgeoned outward. I am left wondering what another 5 months will hold, and how to balance responsibility, excellence and accountability (that is, accountability to my own response to the conception of church).

Honoring what I know church to be with my experience in its lack of functionality, both societally and individually, leaves me, at present, dumbfounded. And frankly, I’m not sure what else to say, but I know the worlds will soon arrive.

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